I’ve been exhibiting horribly self-destructive behavior on a regular basis for a long time now.
As a result of the many conversations I’ve had over the past few days, I think I can pinpoint the cause. My downward spiral is the result of consistently making incredibly unwise lifestyle choices that have caused my mental health to deteriorate massively over time.
It didn’t hit me until recently just how bad things had gotten. Haven’t left the house since July 2019, no real-life acquaintances, 16+ hours on the computer every day, no vacations in half a decade, prioritizing work above my physical health…it shouldn’t be any surprise whatsoever that when you allow both your body and mind to completely waste away, you dissolve into a “mistake machine” – a person that is capable of nothing but bad decisions, who exists solely to cause problems for others.
Since the last blog post, a lot of people have reached out to me to share the same advice: “See a therapist.” “Get hobbies that don’t involve a computer or TV screen.” “Step away from game development for a few months.” All of it can be summarized as: “Start making healthy life choices that will turn you into more of a normal human being.” And, I honestly can’t argue with that.
This might sound like a really random time to launch into an anecdote, but…I’d like to mention something really quick.
Recently, somebody messaged me to tell me something. A few years ago, when his girlfriend was on the verge of suicide, she sent me a fan mail. I responded to her to thank her for her kind words. Apparently, this cheered her up so much that she stopped thinking about killing herself. She’s still alive today. He just wanted to tell me, “Thank you for saving my girlfriend’s life.”
I keep thinking about that story, and other stories like it. Times when someone reached out to me to let me know that I cured their depression or saved their life. Those stories make me feel like I have the potential to affect the world in a positive way. But, that’s only if I stop making such dumb decisions all the time. And I can only stop making dumb decisions if I get healthy. And the only way to get healthy is to start making healthier life choices.
If I want to do more good than harm to the world, I have to get my head straight. That might involve spending less time at the PC, less time on the Internet…and less time developing the game.
A lot of people have been asking me if the recent controversy will cause me to stop developing the game, or give the game away to another developer. I’m not ready to answer those questions. I would need to do a tremendous amount of thinking before I could make any monumental decisions like that.
I really enjoy working on Yandere Simulator. (If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t be willing to do it continuously for 9 years.) The thought of taking time away from it makes me feel incredibly sad. But, neglecting absolutely every aspect of my mental and physical health has caused me to devolve into a danger to myself and others, and that’s not something I want to be. I don’t want to step away from development…but, perhaps I should, at least long enough to decide the best way to proceed from here.
The project doesn’t need to outright die, but it definitely should be paused until I’ve made significant progress towards evolving into a much healthier person.
Over the years, Yandere Simulator and myself have been through countless controversies. I’m sorry for not properly addressing most of those controversies – and for responding to some those controversies in ways that only made things worse. There are still a lot of things I want to address in a proper manner one day, but now is not the time.
I’d like to thank the animators, artists, composers, modelers, voice actors, and YouTubers who helped to make Yandere Simulator into what it is today. Even if we won’t continue on this journey together, I’ll always remain thankful to you for the assistance that you once granted me.
I’ve received a lot of messages since the last blog post. Many of them were harsh – rightfully so – but there were also a lot of messages equivalent to, “I want to see you improve your mental health and finish your game. I’ve been following the project for 8+ years, and I don’t want to see it end like this.”
Yandere Simulator’s audience has shrunken over the years. But, despite everything, there are still a lot of people in this world who love Yandere Simulator. They love the characters, the setting, and the story. They enjoy speculating about what will happen towards the end of the game, what occurred in the unrevealed parts of the backstory, and what plot twists might be waiting in the lore. They want to learn how the Aishi Condition began, what secrets the Saikou family is hiding, and what is underneath the cherry tree.
I don’t want to let them down. I owe it to them. For giving me 9 years of their attention, I owe them answers, I owe them satisfaction, and I owe them closure.
I don’t want to cancel the game. I want to keep developing it. But, I don’t think I can do that if I keep being a “mistake machine.” I need to find a much better work/life balance, because the current balance of “100:0” has led me to nothing but a severely damaged psyche and behavior that is as destructive to others as it is to myself.
I can’t guarantee when will be the next time that I’ll write a blog post. I’m not even sure what the next blog post will be about – a big announcement, a bug-fixing build, or something completely different. It’s hard to tell what the future is going to hold. But, I just wanted to let you know that I probably won’t be posting as frequently as I previously was, or updating the game as frequently as I previously was, either. All of the steps that I need to take to become a better person involve spending less time in this chair, and more time outdoors.
During my time away, I’ll be spending a lot of time thinking about exactly how I should proceed from this point forward. I’ll be considering all possible options – even the uncomfortable ones, such as reducing the scope of the game to make it into a project that would be much easier to finish with limited resources, and the absolute last resort of handing off development to someone else.
For what it’s worth, I apologize for everything. And, I thank you for following the development of Yandere Simulator.
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